As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
