i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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