all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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