do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
