i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
