we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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