My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
