I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
