Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
