I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
