New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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