Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
