i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You're like the curious george of whores
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
