glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
