I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
