Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
