I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
