I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
