help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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