So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
