you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
