is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
