life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
