Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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