Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
