It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
