You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize