Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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