Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
