You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
