I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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