my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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