is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
