Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize