She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
