Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
