Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
