I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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