girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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