She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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