man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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