Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
