I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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