I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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