If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
