phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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