I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize