I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Sext me about skeletons
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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