Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
