First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
