halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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