I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
