I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I need water and some morals
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
