So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
