i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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