I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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