I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
