you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
