You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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