my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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