just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
