If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
