At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
