there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Gay?
German.
Pity.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
