Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
