we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize